Just wanted to say hello and get some advice....

It is incredibly hard to start over from stratch no matter the length and history of a relationship. I would say that you two need to sit down and discuss the need for a divorce as well as the financial responsibility she will need to take up (I would discuss this with a divorce attorney but it would seem reasonable that she pay off her own school debt and costs incurred living apart).

As for getting over this, I can say from watching my parent's divorce after 30 years of marriage that the best thing to do is to immerse yourself in activities that involve people who have no idea about you, your marriage and your relationship issues. I am not telling you to dump your friends, but with your current friends you will get together and all you will talk about is how you are doing and where things stand, strangers are not going to know or care. My mother started attending a new yoga studio and slowing started making a new group of friends, she shared what she wanted and left her history where it was supposed to be left, in the past. I don't really know what my father did besides lie and eventually marry his mistress, but that is an entirely different story and not a path I would recommend.

So glad you found the site, feel free to message me anytime you have need.

-CK

CK,
Thanks for the reply. I was waiting for someone to at least give me a few words of encouragement or advice.
I truly appreciate your advice.
I havent slept in about a week, but i am doing a little bit better.

Your 100% correct, i need to sit down with my wife and discuss the finances. She really doesnt want to talk since she has someone to keep her occupied.

Im actually getting ready to start a new job so im hoping that it will keep my busy.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my posting.

Hi --
My experience to date is pretty recent with this situation. I too after 29 years of marriage had the bomb dropped on me. I understand how you feel--and although I too am right in the middle of my breakup-my words of advice are--take it day by day. I know that sounds trite, but it is so true. The wash of emotions in the beginning are so overwhelming, in retrospect it was like a waking dream. CK's post seems very perceptive to me. If you and your wife can still talk, keep doing so. Working out the details is important for your future well being. Take care, and remember--one day at a time.

My two cents worth - get an attorney. Before you sit down and talk to her to sort thru everything find out legally what she is responsible for and what you are responsible for. That will make the conversation with her much easier and you will be the informed party.

I was divorced 2 weeks ago - he had an affair with a coworker 20 years younger than us and it hurt then and it hurts now but not as bad. But it's sad when a relationship is over regardless of what the cirucumstances are.

My advice is also to build your support group now. Have family and friends on standby for when you need to talk to someone or cry on someone's shoulder. You may not be asking for advice but rather, just someone to listen to you.

I also posted a lot (and still do) on this website which helped me get advice from friends I have never met face to face but friends who understood my pain because they are/were going thru the same things and often could offer a different perspective on things than what I was seeing.

One final thing I did - I joined a local support divorce group. We meet once a week and discuss a different divorce topic each week - it's Bible based and trust me, it works. Now that my group has been together for a while we also instituted a date night - Friday night we all get together at a local restaurant and eat, drink and enjoy each other. We don't actually date but we joke about it and look forward to haning out as a group. We're all too new out of our marriages to even think about dating and actually we know so much dirt on each other I doubt any of us ever could date but it's fun and it gives us all something to look forward to at the end of the work week.

I hope some or all of what I have said helps. You are not going thru this alone, we're all here for you and you will get thru this!!

Hey

It is hard to move on...it took me a year, but it does get better. The first 3-4 months for me was the hardest and then it progressively got easier. My wife's affair was out of the blue...starting talking to an college ex-boyfriend and it went from innocent to emotional to physical. He convinced her to have an abortion and tell me it was a miscarriage (she was only 2.5 months pregnant so it was believable at the time). It was hard for me to process that within a matter of 5-6 weeks i lost my wife, child, house and my future. 6 years blown away for a blast from the past via Facebook. The person I married and knew was no more...she became very cold, distant, angry and constantly put me down to make me feel bad. It takes a while to get out of that rut that you are left in, but it will happen. Work on your priorities before you ever think about dating...your kids, yourself, work, bills, etc. I will tell you that once the divorce happen you will see who she really is....she probably will go for the jugular and want as much as possible. Luckily for me, my former in-laws had my back and put a stop to that for the most part.

Keep posting on here

Hello Everyone,
I wanted to thank all of you for your advice, comments and suggestions. It truly feels good to have people who are willing to take time out of their day in order to help me. I can't thank you enough.

Well it's been two weeks since my wife decided that she didn't want to try and work this all out. I don't know if I did the right thing but I filed for divorce last Friday. I figured that I need to get my life moving forward. What I mean is, my wife has been gone for awhile now, she made it perfectly clear that she did not want to live her life with me. It does me no good just sitting here hoping that she will change her mind.

I still haven't slept throughout the night yet, I still think about her, and everything that I do or any place that I go reminds me of her. After 26 years there is not much that her and I didn't do together. We grew up together and became best friends.

Looking back on it, I sometimes think that I could have done a better job of paying more attention to her. I guess that I was in a time in my life where I had too much on my plate. Just wish that she would have understood that.

On a good note, I'm in the process of starting a new job. It is going to keep me really busy with 12 hour days. At least here I will be able to meet new people, make money, and get out of this house.

Thanks again for all of your support.

I'm so glad you are finding the strength to move on! I'm at the very beginning of the separation of a 20 year marriage..I know that I need to move on, but like you it hurts sooo much. I always thought that I was a strong person, now I'm not so sure. I'm not really sure I'm much help, but you aren't alone, I feel like I'm losing a best friend, a lover... I hope knowing that this shouldn't be easy if your a caring person and you sound like you are, I only wish my husband was as caring as you seem. I wish you the best and that you find your happy place.

I can assure you that it gets better but it won't happen overnight. And often I feel myself progressing for a while and then I regress - not totally but I go back to a place where I cry and want my husband back. Then I have to tell myself that person I called my husband no longer exist and I have to accept it and move on.

The best thing you can do is surround yourself with family and friends who can offer emotional abuse and let you talk and cry on thieir shoulder. Also, a good attorney is a MUST because as it has already been said divorce tends to bring out the greediness of some people and you want to be fair but at the same time, you don't want to be a doormat either.

Hello, I am new to this, and I have read what you shared. I want to send you best wishes that if you got divorce, you are finding in your being the energy and faith in your new beginning, and that you are seeing in all of it a path of great inner awareness and inner love.