You committed 20+ years to your ex, so of course a part of you wishes to be with him even if your marriage sucked, your life centered around him, so even though your brain is over him, your heart just hasn't gotten the message yet. Give it time, my mother ended a 30 year marriage and even though her marriage and my father sucked, she still wishes at times that things turned out differently and she too has a great new man in her life. We are creatures of habit and like anything he was a habit, an addiction, in time the "cravings" will lessen.

Hugs-
CK

Thanks, I like how you called him an "addiction" because I refer to him as my "crack", ha ha. I've had friends ask "why would you go back to being alone, and sad", my reply " he's my crack". Today, he decided to have no more conversations with me, done, no contact period unless the kids need something. I'm pretty calm, sad, but calm. I hope this is the beginning of getting over him.

It sounds like you feel a lot like I do. My ex and I have not seen each other in over a year--- this is when he told me he wanted a divorce. Our divorce was finalized a few months ago and I still get upset and sad over it all. I have also met an amazing man like you yet I still get so upset over my ex. I know in my heart that I don't love my ex anymore and those feelings that I once had that made me want to do anything for him are dead. I'm slowly moving on but get sad constantly and angry. I think what hurts the most about losing my marriage of 10 years is that I felt abandoned so easily. The hard work and tears that I put into our marriage meant nothing to my ex in the end. I suspect he was cheating (which is why he wanted a divorce) and I have since learned he has already married. I can't fault him though... he's entitled to re-marry. I just get disgusted with how quickly he got married and bought a home with this woman. However, my Faith teaches me to wish our enemies well which is difficult to do. I would be a very bitter person if I do not listen to my Faith. I believe things like this happen to us not to harm us or hurt us but b/c there are greater plans in the work for us. We need to see that good will come from our pasts one way or another. We just need to quit wondering what went wrong or what we did wrong and start focusing on living life... and enjoying it. I hope you can as this is what I am trying so hard to do. I wish you well!!!

To Immovinon- thank you for making me see that I'm not alone. One thing that gets me still is this: he asked for the divorce and while it was going on, he wanted to date. Said he saw us still being together. I told him NO. If i wasn't good enough to stay married too, then I wasn't good enough to date, I'd be damned if i took a down grade. Now he sees it as me choosing to end the entire relationship, like he was still offering me a chance, but he doesn't get it....it was like a slap in the face!

Anyways, thank you and yes, I'm trying so hard to move on and let him go. He will have the sad life, i have my health, our kids, a new home and a supportive boyfriend. He has none of that, literally none of that stuff. i guess he realized to late that it wasn't just me he was leaving.

Sounds like your human to me! Of course you are going to have feelings for him at times. Don't be so hard on yourself. You were married for 20 years and love is not a light switch that can just be turned off--- well, at least for most of us! Probably what you are experiencing more than anything is the loss of your normal. What was normal in your life, whether good or bad, was having someone with you, a companion, a partner, a provider, a lover, etc. Now those normal things that you got accustomed to for 20 years are gone. So we crave them which leaves us vulnerable to find that normal again even if it is with the wrong person. That's why so many people are attracted to rebound relationships; they crave the normal they new. What is difficult for us, at least for me, is creating and becoming used to a new normal which is an absence of a partner, companion,lover, etc. I hope this makes sense. I think you are completely normal and that after 1 year you are exactly where you should be. Don't worry about it!

Jon is so right! Change is incredibly difficult. Most people will do anything to avoid that which makes them uncomfortable. I know I do. The changes I am going through are horrible. I have never lived alone....I didn't even know how to shop for groceries!! My first time I just wandered around the store, having no idea what to buy. I tell you it was frightening. It's been about 4 months now, and while the loneliness sometimes gets unbearable, I am slowly adapting and growing. I can feel myself getting a little more confident each day. And by little, I mean LITTLE. But it is progress and even though the rate is excruciatingly slow, I am getting better.

You will too. Hang in there. From what I have read it takes about 1 year of recovery for every 3 years of marriage. So like Jon says, you are right where you should be.

aeplast: I feel the same way.. It has been 4 months since the divorce was finalized but over a year since we separated. Although I left him, I struggle daily to understand my own actions when I still love him desperately and feel he is the only person for me. I don't see myself EVER getting over him and the thought of him moving on crushes me to the core and throws me straight into an anxiety attack. I am so lost and hurt, I still see us getting back together. I don't understand why I can't let that hope go and it's eating me up inside. The 5 years we were together play back in my mind day after day, memory after memory floods back and it is so very painful. I just don't even know how to cope anymore...

I honestly think that you are doing fantastic. I hope that I can be even close to where you are at. At this point...giving my heart to anyone seems like a distant dream. I'm not sure how to trust again - not with love.

Yeah, my stbx has obviously moved on as she has had a BF for about 3 months and we have only been separated for 6 months and are still married. I am having a difficult time letting go as well and feel kind of disposable or at least the marriage felt disposable. I just have to take it moment by moment and try not to get caught up in the emotion. I would love to give my heart to someone else but I'm like Marley'sDaddy; trust is a big issue.